What a Wonderful World!

I haven't felt this happy in a long while! I don't have things weighing on my mind that makes the world seem gray. I feel the peace I was looking for a long, long time. The thing is I don't know how I got to be this happy. I don't know the exact steps I took to feel like this.
I realized how good I felt the other day and the day was felt perfect. The sun was shining, there was a pleasant wind blowing and my classes went well. In a way I felt on top of the world. -Well my world ;) -
Since then I realized this I have been thinking of things that may have led to this long sought happiness.
Through out my whole mission I heard people say they gave their troubles to God. They would say, "I just gave it to God!" That puzzled me for the longest time. I would ask myself and others, "How in the world do you just give it to God?" The answers I would get didn't click with me.
Then this week it kind of came to me in a light bulb moment. I finally understood giving it to God in a way. I Gave up worrying what I don't have and fretting it and having it weigh me down.
Also I am enjoying what I do have and able to do. It's like in the song "Soakin' Up the Sun" by Sheryl Crow "It's not having what you want it's wanting what you have."
Now music and movies. I've found songs that lift my spirits when I am in a rough moment. I call them "music to make me happy". It's surprising how music can affect the mood of a person.
I've found movies that get my mind going, get me thinking about stories, life, etc. Watching higher quality movies (quality meaning morals) help me a lot.
"Keep moving forward!" I have taken this quote from Disney's Meet the Robinsons. If a hard time comes don't dwell on it, learn from it and move on from it.
These are things I've been trying for years and finally they seem to have kicked it. Don't know why but I am just glad that it finally has so I can enjoy the beauty of life.
Now, I am not saying "All is well in Zion", no not all. I am seeingthe silver lining. Right now I am able to unchain myself from thoughts and feelings that have weighed my down for years and through my mission.
At one point on my mission I reached a different kind of not caring, this was a bad one. It wasn't a peaceful release of cares. I just gave up caring about anything. Luckily I had a great companion, Sister Wallentine, to pull me out of it and see the sun again.
This time I care about life and the quality of it and I really see the sun at last and I am enjoying it! I just hope I can bring others here to my view about life and they too can enjoy their life as God wishes them to enjoy it.

He Knew He was Right

I had a chain of thoughts after I watched play Life is a Dream the other night.
This play is an old one, dating back to the 1600's, written by Pedro Calderon. It's much like the ancient Greek tragedy, Oedipus Rex, with a prophecy that foretold of a dark future for the new
Prince.
King Basil, King of Poland, and his wife had a son Segismund and with his birth a prophecy came he would be a tyrant when he would be king and kill his father. In response to this prophecy King Basil locks away his son in a tower, chained up like the evil his father he thinks he will become. Segismund was looked after by the Nobleman not knowing he is the prince.
When Segismund is grown Basil doubts his decision to lock away his son so he decides to test his son to see if he is evil or not. King Basil brings his son to the palace, convincing his life in the tower was a dream. To not give things away too much Segismund causes a lot of trouble and King Basil puts his son back in the tower making him think his day in the palace was a dream.
There are other minor characters with their side struggles with love, power and pride.
At the climax of the play rebels break Segismund from his tower and use him to start a revolt in Poland. At this point it seems that the prophecy of Segismund has come true. Then when it came to the point that Segismund can kill his father, King Basil , Segismund doesn't.
Now watching this play a common flaw in all but one or two character in this play was everyone thought they were right and never wrong. With King Basil he thought he was right to lock away his son, see how well that turned out. Segismund thought he was right to use violence to get his way, that ended poorly. Another character, Rosaura, thought to get her good name back was to shame or hurt the man who ruined it, that got her friend and servant in trouble. The lives of these characters was chaotic with this pridefulness but still their progress was stagnant. The cahos could not end.
The characters' lives and selves merely worsen and didn't become better from their idea of always being right. The play didn't change or progress until someone humbled themselves and made a change.
With King Basil it began by giving Segismund a chance. From there the plot of the story could begin. Life could move from chaos only when father and son could make amends.
I have seen this in other literature like in Shakespeare's history/political play Julius Caesar that is about the murder of Julius of Caesar and the aftermath of it. The two main men, Brutus and Cassius, who conspired to kill Julius Caesar thought their decision to kill Caesar was the only way to make sure Rome didn't end up tyranny. That idea ended with Rome ending in tyranny and both men killing themselves.
Brutus wanted the best for Rome but didn't give Rome his best and it all ended in chaos and didn't move on from there.
In a British novel, He Knew He Was Right by Anthony Trollope, about love and various couples. The main couple is Louis and Emily. Early in their marriage Louis is so certain he is right that his wife is unfaithful and this idea drives him mad and won't move past it. This obsession of being right and his pride makes the couple's live miserable and ruins the family. Louis can't move past this and his life is this obcession of being right and he misses out in so much. This time things do not end well in this story.
What I've seen and learned is that our human eyes of understanding is very weak and we can only see and understand so much with our perception and ideas alone. When we think we are very much right on something it is best to have humility with us.
Humility keeps us in check, it can be our compass at times.
When we think we are right, in the prideful way, it's OK to doubt ones own idea of being right and step out our own reasoning (that can be flawed at times) and try to broaden our limited vision of understanding.
We need:
Humility
Forgiveness
Patience
Love
Reason
And some help from Above

Without these our own stories will not progress, our lives won't move past what we are so "right" about. I know this from personal experience with being "right" on my side.

Being Motherly

Early this morning as I headed off to my Spanish Class with a friend who spent the night at my apartment an interesting thought came to my mind.

Close friendships between girls tends to be very motherly with one another. (or at least from what I've seen)

What I mean is when a close friend is sick we play the mother part and tell them to go to the doctor or pamper them until they feel better, just as a mother would do. When our close friend is having a bad day we are there to try and cheer them up until they are in a better mood. When they need advice we are there to give it to the best of our abilities.

Last night after my Improv-comedy group ended a new friend of mind asked if I would walk home with her (she lives just down the street from me). I agreed and as we walked home my new friend began to talk about things that were on her mind, mainly about guys. I didn't know what I could tell her to help since my success rate with guys is ummm... lets see... 0%. Yet I did my best and I hope something I said helped.

Also last night one friend, Ali, that have known for about 12 years now and is her first year at college here, popped in for a visit me and our mutual friend Cayla (the one I consider my sister and is my roommate). It was a fun time. None of us got any homework done, or anything else that we planned on doing but we had fun!

This morning I got up to go to Spanish and Ali got up and came with me and sat outside my class and did her Spanish homework (her Spanish class was right after mine). Yet before we left Ali took a blanket from up stairs and put the blanket over, in motherly way, Cayla who crashed on the couch last night while Ali slept in her bed.

Seeing this reminded me of how how often mothers care for their child. It reminded me how when my little sister would crash in the car on long car trips and when she was little and when we arrived home I would carry her inside and lay her bed and cover her with her blankets.

This instinct to care for some one or desire to help another reminds me that we are surrounded by people for a reason. Life isn't meant to be walked alone.

In Genesis 2:18 God says "It's not good for man to be alone..."

I know he was specifically was talking about Adam and making him a spouse, Eve. But if we expand that idea that God never meant for us to feel alone or try and cut off ourselves from people. When we come into this world we do in families not just pop in somewhere alone. We are taught about life in families. We seek friendship almost naturally. So why not seek the company people since God made it that way and has advised us, "It's not good for man to be alone."

It's not that we have to always be surrounded by people to get through life. Moments where you are by yourself to think is more than fine, I do that often. Just remember you have loved ones around you who are willing to help if you let them.

Hello Sunshine!

I random experiance from my mission came to mind yesterday that I felt like I should post it on my blog.
When you first get out into the mission field your first teaching companion is called your "Trainer". She (for girls) will help become a better teacher, studier, show you how to talk to complete strangers, and whatever else you need to know. My trainer was Sister Kent and she is awesome! I love that girl!
Well, while I was still with Sistr Kent I recieved a backage from my dad that contained some new music for me. One CD was a musical band of three women called Mercy River. They sing religous songs on this CD and it was perfect for my mission. Sister Kent and I enjoyed listening to them. One particular song we liked (and has been a favorite among the sisters in my mission) was "Hello Sunshine".
The lyrics are can be found on www.mercyrivermusic.com/music/lyrics
It's a very cheerful song that talks about learning to look at the positive side instead of the negative. It was our pick-me-up song.
Well like in every mission you don't get to stay your your trainer for very long. Sister Kent got sent to a new area up north and I got my new companion Sister Lytle.
One day a few weeks into my time with Sister Lytle, Sister Kent came to mind and I felt I should send her a voicemail messege of the song "Hello Sunshine". So while in the car Sister Lytle and I played the song and I placed the phone next to the speaker and that was my voicemail messege to Sister Kent. After that I didn't think anything of that messege.
The next time I saw Sister Kent she told me that my timing in sending that voicemail messege was perfect. She recieved that messege at a perfect time. She as having a hard time and was struggling with a few things and when she heard my messege it helped her alot.
I know that the idea I got to send that song through voicemail to Kent was not a coincidence. The idea didn't come from me. And Sister Kent recieving that song when she needed was a small part of a great plan.
When at times we feel like we are alone. We never are the Man up stairs has our backs and he uses people around us to show us this.

I blame my brothers!

I found that I not the best girl to take to scary things. While most guys take girls to haunted houses or scary movies so the girl will cling to them, not me.
Growing up my brothers made sure I wasn't scared of much. This is was began from one incident years and years ago. One brother turned my room into a haunted house one year. Others things that followed were the telling of scary stories, playing "Bloody Mary" in the bathroom. Bloody Mary was a myth that if you went into a dimly lit bathroom flick water on the mirror and turn about three times while saying "Bloody Mary" each time you turned you would see Bloody Mary when you looked at the mirror again. This however may have frighten me as a little girl but of course nothing happen except for my either brother sneeking up behind me and startling me. The lastthing my brothers raised me on to take away me being scared of things was watching the old Nickelodeon TV show called "Are you Afraid of the Dark?" with them. At times they even tried to scare me in various ways.
I've noticed that when a girl has brothers like me the sister either ends up being more on the scared side or like me not afraid of much.
When I got older i enjoyed scary things. My brother's work was well done. When I was about 10 it began to be a tradition with my dad and I, until I was 13, to go to varies haunted houses every October.
Over time scary movies didn't scare me, I wasn't frighten by haunted houses. I will admit that I get startled at times but I don't have that heart pounding, fearing for my life fear in these situations. Over time I stopped going to haunted houses because it was like watching a movie I saw too many times.
My fears are not the kind you don't find in Haunted Houses.
Though many times my dad and I have talked about making our own haunted house. From all the many kinds we went to we know what makes people the most scared and frightens many of them.
But back to what I blame my brothers for...
My apartment was invited by guy friend from our church here to go to a haunted straw maze. He invited a few other apartments to go to this straw maze so there were a few people I got to meet and got to know in the maze.
At the maze my guy friend found out that I was the least entertaining girl to invite to something scary. The whole reason he invited girls was to watch them get scared and scream their hearts out. But for me I was the most calm next to my guy friend of mine. I am certain he was rather disappointed about this.
I did enjoy the maze a bit. It was fun going through this maze which was more like a labyrinth.
There was also entertaining monsters. There was one clown that was on stilts so he stood about eight feet tall. There was one scarecrow that had a whistle that kind of sounded like a scream. But one monster that looked like a green zombie was annoying more than scary. He would get in people's faces and stay there for several seconds and hiss. I have a bit of a bubble and I don't like it when people get in my face. It doesn't scare me it annoys me. I like my space. Several times throughout our time in the maze we ran into this annoying zombie and every time we met up with him she would get in my face and hiss. This happen no less than four times.
I got home about 11 and didn't get to bed until midnight. This has been the latest I have even been out this semester. I felt sociable! ;)

Weekends and Walls

I have had two things on my mind the last few days.

The first one is that a recent realization that I've have (that predates this semester) is that as an adult the the idea of summer break and weekends are just a break in the work/school routine to get in a different type of work done.

Those once cherished summer breaks where is was free game in what you could do. Those quick breaks of weekends... gone as I have grown older. Sure I have had fun but now weekends are to get caught up on homework, summer breaks will now be gone since I am going to school year round. Even before thatthose longs breaks consisted of summer jobs. (which for me usually consisted of watching my little sister so my dad didn't have to pay for a sitter)

I don't mean to sound like a downer but what I have come to see is those moments were there isn't homework, and there is those fun moments in summer then they become so much better. To me they are a reward for getting done what needed to be done. They make doing fun things as a family a treasure.

This weekend's plans for me is homework. I have a lot to get done and get caught up in. But tonight I am going to have a reward by going to a haunted corn maze with some friends. The break from the work I know will be well enjoyed!

Now the other thing that has been on my mind is the walls I have been hitting in my writing. One of my goals in life is to be a published author. My mind is always full and buzzing with ideas. But those ideas haven't really gone anywhere lately. I get a seed of an idea starts and then it doesn't sprout into much. It's kind of annoying really.

So instead being frustrated by it I've taken a bit of a break from writing and I am letting those ideas sit for awhile until they are ready to grow.

What I have been doing instead of writing is working on another skill I haven't touched in a while, drawing. I am no great artist, nothing like my oldest brother who is amazing! I have just come to love art and drawing is something I enjoys and that I have been able to improve upon throughout the years.

It's been kind of fun working with my hands and creating a visual thing instead of something with words.

I've drawn three pictures, basing them off different pictures. The first one was off an old picture of an 1700 exploter I never heard of, Hawkins. The second was of my little sister. The last one was my best and it was based off a painting of my favorite artist, James C. Christensen, from a recent-ish painting of his ""Out of the Box". My drawing of it is here to the left.

I think it is one of my better drawings. My weakness in drawing is the nose. I have a hard time making them look realistic. But that is what practice is for!

Early Morning

I've realized the older I get the more I like sleep. Before high school I remember many summers that I stayed up half the night either reading Harry Potter or some new book I discovered or at a sleepover with a friend where we would stay up half the night. Then I would sleep half the day away. Now after high school I feel it a waste of a day to sleep past 9am. Now after my mission it's just about impossible to sleep past 8am, if I am lucky to sleep till 9am. This is so because on my mission, missionaries have to get up at 6:30am and after doing that for a year and half my body is use to it.
Also after all these years I can't really function that well after 10pm. This puts late-night study sessions not an option. I tried, before my mission, doing homework past 10pm but that didn't prove to be a very effective thing to do.
Now this semester sleep is very important due to the fact that I have an very early class, ridiculously early class at 6:30am. Unfortunately the class is Spanish I. I have to go to bed no later than 10pm if I don't want to be exhausted throughout the day. I am surviving though and my Spanish grade isn't suffering from it being so early.
It is nice though being up this early, the world is kind of peaceful and the campus is almost empty. I also get a good breakfast every morning too! After Spanish I head over the the school cafeteria and eat a nice meal.
Today I got to see another reason to be up this early, a bonus I would say.

Coming out of my Spanish class and I saw this amazing sunrise! Now I understand what people meant when they said the sky was on fire! You don't see the sky looking like this by midday don't you?

This was something I wanted to share, a little tender mercy you could say from God. A little gift to those who don't have the luxury of sleeping in our cozy beds. We get to see God's work at it's finest!

I Realize

I am in my first semester back in college after my mission and oh how I have missed it! I've missed my friends, the atmosphere up here! The campus is small and gives it that small town feel. The city that it's in isn't that big either, you can walk almost anywhere. That is helpful since I don't have a car anymore. My car was hit (quoting my dad on this) "Bambi's sister and his mom decided to run onto the road..." and hit my poor little Century Buick.
Anywho! I rambled there for a moment. I have missed being at school. But the thing that I did not miss was the lack of dates and being reminded that I hardly ever get dates and that I don't have a boyfriend and never had a real one either. Real as in one that was about the age of 16 and could go do things as a couple. I sort of had one at 10 and all it consisted of was "I like you, you like me let's be a couple and hang out on the same street we live on."
Before my mission I was kind of jealous of all those couples I saw on campus and hearing about all those girls that got asked out on dates and were getting married. Here I was after being at this university for three semesters, in college total 2 and half years i was asked out once, been on three group dates that I organized. Adding those to the dates I have been on since I was 16 (I decided not to go on dates until I was 16) those dates added up to about 7ish (this is counting two homecoming dances and Senior Prom). And I am 23 now and that is very few in that space of time!
Going through this tends to shoot down a girls confidence and adds to the thoughts, "What am I doing wrong?" "What is wrong with me that guys don't ask me out?"
I had and still have a lot of guy friends but those never went anywhere. Maybe I scared them or something? I don't know! I still don't know why I don't get asked out on dates.
Coming back from my mission and going back to college I was not looking forward to getting back into the dating world. I was even less eager when one of my roommates was giving my closest friend, who is like my sister, and me some dating advice that almost seems like instructions I would read on a game or something. This advice would have me acting like someone I am not, or my close friend as well. Needless to say we didn't act on the advice, it wasn't us.
If am going to be in this dating game thing I am going to be myself.
Not long after receiving this advice my close friend and I were joking about being old maids together. If we can't get dates it makes sense we won't be getting married. We then decided if we are going to be old maids we might as well do it right and have no cats, or any animal. Our plan is to travel the world after we graduate college. Since we are both going to be teachers we will take each summer break and travel to some other country. (maybe even a state neither of us have visited.)
After talking about this being old maid plan with my friend I had what I call a light bulb moment. Life just got a lot bright and I wasn't bitter about not getting dates. If I get get married great I found someone I can be with eternity and I can go through life with him. But if I don't get married it's alright life will still be good because my friend and I will be traveling the world!
I think the reason girls feel like they MUST get married ASAP, that they MUST have a boyfriend is that the future without someone is either two things
-Work, work, work, work
or
-a lonely life with cats (or the animal of their choice)
I think knowing that you have a plan to make something with your life, live life and not just work it away or mourn it away the sun seems to shine a little brighter. And that is what I am doing! I am living life, getting involved, going to shows, concerts, being in clubs. This semester I am busier than ever but I am having the most fun. I am learning new skills in acting and I am learning Spanish. I am not afraid of the future now.
Advice to you girls and ladies out there.
Yes, it's good to know that someone cares for you, especially if that person happens to be an awesome guy. But first thing is first get some self-worth. Find a hobby, other than guys. My mom said in high school she majored in boys and she told me she always regretted that.
My brother was dating this girl years ago and my mom was getting to know her one time and asked, "So what do you like to do? What are you good at?"
The girlfriend's response was, "I don't know."
Long story short, this girl didn't make much with her life and still hasn't. If you don't think you have a talent discover what it is! If you don't have a hobby find one! If you want an awesome life do things to make it that way. If you want an awesome guy, be awesome yourself.
Life doesn't have to be full of huge events, grand moments all the time to be awesome and wonderful. My theory is that if you can look back on your life and can genuinely smile then is was a great life!

Welcome!

My name is Candilyn and this is my life!

A friend once told me that doing improv is based off of real life. That life is improv itself, we don't know what we are going to face throughout the day when we wake up in the morning. We make it up as we go through life. This friend of mine went on to say "That improv is two things extraordinary people in ordinry events; like superman buying a Big Mac at McDonalds. Or it is ordinary people in extraordinary events; like a soccar mom having to rescue her son from spies."

Sometimes what we face in life is funny, sometimes it's far from funny but is serious and even at times our world ,and yes, even our hearts are broken with it. What I've learned is how us ordinary people handle the ordinary to the extraordinary events and days is what makes us extraordinary in the end of our story.

I wouldn't call my life extraordinary, nor would I call it one that is like the lives of many people, but it is mine and what I've come to accept and learn from.

This blog is beginning after some extraordinary events in my life. The first being one that happen back in 2008 when I was 20. I had the unfortunate event to play out before that ended up with me only having one parent alive.

I wouldn't say I lost my mom or she pasted away. I don't like those terms. The closest I could find is that her time was done here and she went home to heaven to watch over everyone in my family since we are all over The United States.

This even led to the better realtionship between my dad and I. For we have to depend on each other alot now. We had to when it first happen and also to be there for my little sister who was only six when this happen.

The next event was one that just end back in this July 2011. I returned for the difficult task of my church mission in the Roseville, California area.

It was difficult because I had to give up my time and self to the service of God to help people come closer to him and his only Begotten Son, Jesus Christ, our Savior. It was difficult because you learn how to love people close to how God loves and feel the pain he does when people make mistakes that take them farther from him. On a mission it's where God can shape you into someone better and that is hard work.

Paraphrasing a quote I heard once from C.S Lewis is that each of us are this little cottage, nice, pleasent, good to live in. Then God comes and tells us he can make us into something better. He starts working on the inside, knocking down walls and fixing things. This renovating of us to become better hurts! We feel the pain of walls coming down, him expanding us. Then when God is done we look at ourselves and we have become mansions!

That was how my mission was for me. It was hard but such a great thing to go through and I think I bore my friend sometimes talking about my mission so much, but I love it! There I extended my family, my mission family. There I caught a glimpse of a better me.

Now those two event are done and this is my life AFTER those have happened and his is me AFTER they were done and was shaped by them and still being shaped day AFTER day.

PICTURE EXPLAINATIONS

The cameo-like picture is my favorite of my mom

the picture with the four girls is me (the blonde in the dark pink shirt) are me with some of my favorite girls (AKA- Sister Missionaries) I served around.

The last is me at the fare-well dinner of all of us who went home from our missions in July.